Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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