apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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