Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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