Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
