captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
