I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
