The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
