Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
