I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
