Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
