mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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