My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
