I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
