You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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