Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
