maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
