when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
