I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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