he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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