So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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