lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
