My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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