literally had 100 drinks last night.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
