i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
