she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
