I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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