i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
