I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
