dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
