Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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