There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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