he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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