Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
