mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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