what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
