why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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