smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
