my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
