Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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