I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
