I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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