AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
