its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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