in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
