He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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