My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
