I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
