goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
