my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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