I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
