You're so nebulous sometimes
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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