Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
