There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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